On the day before the Winter Solstice, I realized that since the election, I’d been depressed. Clinical depression has not been part of my life experience, at least that I’ve recognized. I’ve felt abundant grief, sadness, and anger but not, I’d thought, depression. Thus, it makes sense that it took me a while to identify that in addition to my persistent low mood, I was irritable, had difficulty concentrating, blamed and doubted myself, had reduced appetite, poor sleep, and even hopeless feelings. I kept asking myself, “What is wrong with me? Is this my new normal?” My mind answered, “Aren’t older people like you often grumpy and pessimistic?”
The past year has been a challenge in ways other than national politics. Our small community experienced turmoil regarding a cherished library being taken over by a group whose attitudes and behavior alienated library donors and patrons like me, almost leading to the library’s collapse. I became involved in the fight to regain control, and for a short while, I tasted what a political struggle that includes personal attacks and intense antipathies feels like. (It doesn't feel good.) Before I withdrew from the fight, neighborly relationships had already been damaged. I discovered that people considered me an enemy because my values differed from theirs. To heal, I stepped back entirely from local volunteer activities. Six months later, the library was on better footing, and I felt rejuvenated and strong. I was hopeful about the election and thought we had a good candidate who could win. On election night, I felt alarmed as the tide turned toward the eventual outcome. “How can it be that people would choose this path?” I asked myself. I knew it would be tough to accept that the message we heard during the campaign would be ascendant in the future. I wanted to close my ears and mind.
I tried to address my symptoms with a total news fast, meditation, prayer, increased exercise, cutting back on alcohol, and lowering my stress. I listened to inspiring books on audio, tried to read distracting novels, put up a Christmas tree, sent Christmas cards, and joined a gym. I joined two Audubon Christmas bird counts. But I still felt like I was going through the motions most days. My joy and vitality seemed to have drained away. I began to pray in earnest for my inner peace to return.
Then, on the Winter Solstice, it did. I felt the lights come on as I was doing my morning chores. I realized I had been depressed, and why not? The world in which I live has delivered a blow to me and to the people I love, including my two trans grandchildren, my gay and lesbian friends, all women, my immigrant friends, friends in Ukraine…it goes on and on. Of course, the election knocked me down. But I could feel in myself the strength building to stand up again.
I fed and watered the chickens, picked lettuces in the greenhouse, and cleaned up the kitchen, feeling hope and vibrancy trickle into my body for the first time in over a month. I thanked God for answering my prayers. I felt the divine presence within and was comforted. Yes, I still need to take time to recuperate fully. But I don’t need to fear that depression and hopelessness are my new normal. They are not. My new expression as a benevolent warrior for peace and justice will re-emerge from these ashes. I will find a place to take my stand. I will continue to believe in kindness, compassion, nature, animals, and God. I am starting now with acceptance of what is as my guiding principle for making change.
I send each of my readers a heartfelt wish that you experience the very best of these timeless Holidays. Warmest Regards for the Return of the Light!
It sounds like you had to sit with it for awhile before you could move forward. That can be the most difficult part of the path….when you know what you need to do, but the tired and discouraging moods persist before the light comes back. Thank you for sharing your practice and your experience.